


The Need

by modestroad



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:46:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modestroad/pseuds/modestroad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina needs something. Emma is not sure she can fulfill that need.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to my beta, Savanna. She makes things easier. 
> 
> This is not only my first OUaT story, but also my first story after a writer's block that lasted a little over a year. It's not the best of my work, but it holds a special place to my heart.

The first time Regina asks, Emma just laughs, thinking that Regina is in one of her moods before licking her way down Regina’s body.

 

The second time Regina asks, they are having a late lunch in the station and David is talking to Snow on the phone.

Emma is sure that he could hear them but doesn’t think much about it.

 

The third time Regina asks, Henry is sleeping peacefully after an accident on his bike; the kid is fine, maybe still a little scared and in need of a new bike, but his mom is another story.

Regina isn’t drunk, Emma knows that, but she’s not entirely there and Emma has to call her name a few times before she gets a response.

“Are you serious?” she asks and holds her glass a little closer to her chest, because knowing Regina, that was the last thing she expected to hear from the brunette. “No, are you, I mean… are you serious?”

Regina drinks the rest of her scotch before pouring another glass.

“You know it’s not your fault, right? Kid took the turn without breaks, there was nothing you could do,” Emma tries again while watching her girlfriend drink her fourth glass in an hour.

“Good night, Miss Swan,” Regina is up and out of the room before Emma can say something, not that she would; she knows Regina too well by now to know when not to try.

It bothers her all night though.

 

The next time the subject comes up, Emma is the one to say something. Regina is lying next to her, spent and satisfied, and Emma is writing words with her finger to her back. Regina is too relaxed to ask her to stop and that’s how Emma knows it’s the right time, and if she’s lucky, maybe she’ll get an answer; if she’s really lucky, she will get an honest one.

“About…that thing,” she stops and waits for any sign that Regina is going to turn her into a frog, and when nothing happens, she waits some more. “Regina?”

“What thing?” Emma starts writing silly things in Regina’s back, wiping them off with her palm when she runs out of space, saying nothing for a while.

“About what you need,” she finds her voice again, but she’s not brave enough to say it out loud. Instead she writes it down.

When Regina says nothing, Emma rolls her eyes. Regina would rather face an execution before getting interested in silly after sex games. But sometimes Emma wishes that she would because sometimes all Emma wants to do is lie next to the other woman and play silly after sex games or just silly not after sex games. 

Just because they can.

A girl can dream.

“I do.”

It’s so soft that Emma barely hears it.

“Oh.” 

 

For the next few weeks, Emma feels like she felt when she first came to Storybrooke: uncertain, confused, desperate to run away and never look back.

But.

She has a kid now. She always had a kid, ever since she gave birth to him. But now she has a kid, and a girlfriend that sometimes is still her frenemy, and a mom and a dad, and a best friend that happens to be her mom’s best friend as well.

“You know you want to tell me,” Ruby says filling her cup with coffee.

Emma sighs; when did her life became so complicated? “I can’t.”

“She trained you well.”

It takes ten minutes for Emma to stop laughing.

 

She’s not surprised when she sees Snow at the door. Henry is talking to some girl on the phone and Regina is probably brooding in her study, leaving Emma to answer the door.

“Ruby talks too much,” she smiles to her mother; she’s not the kind of girl to go cry on her mother’s shoulder but only because she never had a mother growing up.

Snow, judging from her mother’s red face, is still not over the fact that her baby girl is in love with the Evil Queen. “We need to talk.”

Emma nods. “Let’s go to the kitchen.” 

Emma makes the tea. Some flavor thing that Regina likes and it’s then that she realizes that Ruby was right. Regina trained her well because Emma is, and will always be, a cocoa girl.

“Mom?” she asks, slicing a piece of freshly baked apple pie and no, the irony is not lost to her. “If David, dad, if he wanted to do something with you-“

Snow cuts her off with a, “She’s not doing anything to you!” and a fierce look and wow, Emma never met the Evil Queen, but she could swear she did.

Almost.

She bites her lower lip and tries to find a way to explain to her mother (without really explaining) what Regina wants her to do.

At the end she says, “She doesn’t want to do anything to me.”

Snow sighs with relief and takes a sip from her tea.

“She wants me to do things to her.”

Later, when she’s done cleaning tea from the floor, Emma admits that it did come out wrong.

 

Another week passes and life goes back to normal, as normal as living under the same roof with a teenage boy and a woman that once was a Queen can be.

Emma is watching some lame ass action b-movie with Henry and Regina is at some town meeting she had to go because, and it makes total sense to Emma, she kept this town running for three decades and no one knows, or cares, or has the patience to care, how to make things work.

So Regina isn’t at home and Henry lets Emma have dinner in front of the TV like she used to do when she was living alone. Sometimes, Emma misses living alone. Regina has too many rules, like keeping the volume down when she’s in her study working (brooding, Emma is sure that Regina locks herself to her study and broods because that’s what dark magicians do, everyone knows that) or like not laying on the bed with her shoes on.

And sometimes Regina wakes before dawn and bakes them bread and pies, never waking Emma or Henry, and the whole house smells like Christmas came early. Sometimes Henry sleeps with them, always after a horror movie he insists of watching even when he knows he can’t stand the blood, and most of the time Regina is the one to tell when they can look at the screen again.

Yeah, maybe she’s not missing her former life as much as she believes.

“Why are you smiling?” Henry, the little brat, asks and Emma shakes her head.

“I was thinking how wonderful my life was before,” and despite her best poker face, Henry laughs.

“Yeah, you were a mess, mom.”

She doesn’t hear the door open or Regina’s heels, too busy tickling Henry and trying not to drop her food all over Regina’s couch. Kid’s taller than her now, by two inches, and he has his grandpa build, but he’s letting her win and boy, she really hates it when he does that.

All she needs is ten seconds to leave her plate on the table and then she will show him who’s the boss.

“Emma.”

David’s voice startles her and somehow manages to drop sauce on Henry’s hair. “Dad?”

And then she smells it.

 

In all the time she has known Regina, the woman has had exactly six burgers; Emma is watching her eat her second cheeseburger for the night with Henry next to her. She can’t hear what they are talking about, probably his day or his school project Emma has no idea how to do, but what she knows is that the only thing Regina needs right now is sitting next to her.

“Can’t you do anything?” Emma asks and David shakes his head. “I thought you said that her proposition was good.”

“No,” David looks at the kitchen table where Regina is eating a fry, and drops his voice so only Emma can hear him. “Her proposition was the best-.”

Emma on the other hand doesn’t care. “Then why did they vote against it?”

To his credit, David looks down and says nothing.

“Because she’s the Evil Queen,” Emma finally understands.

“People still don’t trust her. You need to give them time.”

She snorts. “Yeah, right.”

“For what is worth, your mom and I voted for her.” Emma finds it really hard to be angry at them for not standing up for her girlfriend when David smiles at her like this. “And I’m taking Henry for the night,” he informs her. “He shouldn’t see her like this.” 

Too late, Emma thinks, but smiles back, a little glad that Henry won’t be here tomorrow morning.

 

“Three cheeseburgers, Regina? Really?” 

Emma frowns; she so doesn’t need to clean leftovers from the toilet, but she has to admit that Regina looks more sober now. For Emma, a hot bowl of Menuda does the trick, for Regina, it’s a burger.

Or three.

“How much did you have anyway?”

Regina’s voice is hoarse when she speaks; from the drinking, Emma wants to believe, not because she yelled at the meeting. At least, that’s what she hopes. “A few.”

“A few?” 

“Maybe more than a few,” Regina looks at her with surprisingly clear eyes. 

Emma doesn’t know what to say. 

No, actually she knows what to say and do, but she’s not sure how Regina will react. So after a while of sitting in the kitchen and looking at each other in what she’s sure is a piss contest, although she could be wrong, either way she’s not going to back down now, she lets out a long breath and stands up.

“Come,” she says softly. “Let’s put you to bed.”

 

For a Queen, Regina sure has a hard time letting other people take care of her. Then again, having met and fought Cora, Emma doesn’t find it too hard to believe. Regina sways so much that Emma is this close to going out and buying her another burger when she suddenly remembers something: the stairs.

She looks all the way up to the second floor and back to Regina.

“Ah, shit.”

 

They end up in the bathroom, with Regina resting her head to Emma’s torso, and as much as Emma wants to move and stretch her arms and legs, she doesn’t want to lose the weight of Regina’s body on hers; the times that the brunette allows Emma to touch her like this are few and far between.

“My parents voted for you,” she announces suddenly, her fingers playing softly with Regina’s dark locks.

“I am aware, dear.”

“But that’s a good thing, right?” Emma doesn’t care if she sounds like an overexcited puppy because, and let’s face it, Snow voting for Regina is a big deal for both of them. 

Being in love with the Evil Queen is hard enough and, damn it, Emma wants to be able to bitch to her mom about her lover without fearing a public execution. And loving Regina is hard, too damn hard.

Love should be easy.

Love should be like this.

When Regina says nothing, Emma gives a tiny kiss to the other woman’s neck before continuing with a, “I think they are warming up to you,” which earns her a chuckle and a smile.

Regina, Emma thinks, is a lot like the water.

Like boiled water, she can burn you with her rage.

Like ice, she can break you with her power.

And like water, she can be all over you until you can’t stand to live with or without her.

But Emma can be like water too.

“I’m not…I’m not ready yet,” she says and Regina nods. “I’m not ready to give you what you want.”

“Emma-“

“No, let me finish.” Emma doesn’t know if she can do it, and if the other woman thought that Emma was avoiding the subject, it was because she was. Emma never had someone like Regina in her life, never had to fight with someone so hard and for so long as she did, and sometimes still does, with Regina.

She never had a reason to fight.

And she’s scared.

Because she knows Regina and she knows that if she can’t do it, then the brunette will put up walls so tall and thick that no one will ever be able to get past them.

So she does the only thing she can for the time; she hugs Regina tight, afraid that, like water, the Queen will slip away from her hands.

“I don’t want to lose you.”


	2. Chapter Two

Regina is reading a book.

Regina is reading a book and Emma watches, unable to do anything because Henry is sitting next to his mom, playing a game on his PSP. From time to time, he says something to her. Regina turns her head and looks at the screen, smiling softly before her attention is back to her book.

The fact that she’s reading a book with the title Snow White Must Die is not lost on Emma, but if she’s to start a fight with Regina, it won’t be because of some stupid book title. Instead, it would be because the brunette refuses to talk to Emma about what happened three nights ago.

Emma sighs. In the end, she couldn’t do it and now she’s not sure where they stand. She wants to talk to Regina, but doesn’t at the same time. The fact that the other woman is acting as if nothing happened between them is driving Emma crazy.

So, she does the only thing she can. “I’m going out.”

Henry murmurs something, never lifting his head from the video game and Regina looks at her for exactly three seconds, long enough to determine that Emma’s behavior is nothing to worry about, before replying with a, “Take the garbage out and don’t be late.”

I’m not twelve, Emma wants to scream, but goes to the kitchen and takes the garbage out anyway.

 

Ruby is one of the few people in town that was willing to give Regina a try and the only person that knows what Emma went through until the Queen decided that she had enough and let Emma inside her heart.

“You need to talk to her.” Ruby takes a swig from her beer and points to Emma’s empty one.

Emma shakes her head. Three is her lucky number. Besides, Regina will rip her a new one if she goes home drunk, the little hypocrite. 

“Have you at least tried to talk to her?” Ruby insists, making Emma think of all the times she wished she had a best friend or a family, and now she has both.

“And say what? Sorry I freaked out on you; I’ll do better next time? I…I can’t, Ruby. I can’t. I tried once and I’m not sure I want to try a second time.”

Ruby gets up then and goes back to take another beer from the fridge, leaving Emma alone with her thoughts. She had tried and she wanted to do that for her girlfriend, as messed up as it was, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t that kind of person and seeing Regina in obvious pain was something she didn’t want to see again.

Of course, seeing the regret and humiliation in Regina’s eyes afterwards was another thing she didn’t want to see again. The image was burned forever in her memory.

“How did she take it?” she hears from behind her, and seconds later, an ice cold bottle appears in her vision. “When you left her? You’re still here and we’re not cursed, so maybe it’s not that bad?”

Emma takes the bottle from Ruby and downs half of it. “I found her smoking the other night.” 

Ruby shrugs. “Yeah, so?” 

“Have you met Regina?” 

“She used to smoke before. Before Henry, I mean. I think she stopped because of him, actually,” Ruby says pealing the label from her beer bottle.

“Great.” Emma drains the rest of her beer. “Not only did I leave her when she needed me the most, but now she’s going to get cancer because of me.”

In self-loathing, she lets her head hit the table.

“Maybe that last beer wasn’t such a great idea,” she hears Ruby say.

“You think?” 

 

It’s a little after midnight when she walks home. 

The mansion is dark, but warm when she steps inside; the weather took a turn for the worse a few hours ago. Emma can’t help but think of all those times she had to go to bed with layers of blankets because the family she was staying with at the time didn’t have money to pay to keep the heat up for more than a couple of hours each day.

She’s glad that Henry never had to deal with things like going to bed starving or wearing clothes a size too small or two sizes too big. Evil Queen or not, Regina was a much better mother than a lot of her foster ones, and the kid is finally starting to realize that. He’s older now and is starting to see the world with the eyes of an adult and not with the black and white eyes of a child.

She takes her boots off and goes to the kitchen for a glass of water before heading upstairs, making sure not to wake Henry, and surprised to see that Regina is already asleep. The woman is always the last to bed and the first to wake. Emma tilts her head to the right, watching the Queen’s sleeping form from the door. 

Like a lot of Regina’s quirks, not feeling the need to sleep also has to do with magic. Emma feels it too, she felt it the day she went to New York with Gold, but couldn’t really explain how it was possible to be up for almost two days straight and not feel tired. At the time, she didn’t know and didn’t care to ask; she just wanted to find Gold’s son and go back to her life.

A life that it wasn’t old enough for her to miss, but she did anyway.

“Regina?” she whispers and doesn’t wait long for an answer.

“Have fun with Miss Lucas?” 

Emma smiles in the darkness of the room. “How you know I was with Ruby? I coulda been at my mom’s.”

“I can smell the cheap beer and desperation from here,” Regina answers. Emma gets out of her jeans and tank top, throwing them down, knowing full well that it will earn her a five minute lecture in the morning.

“Hey now, Ruby’s not that bad.”

“I was speaking about you, dear.”

“Uh huh.” Emma doesn’t take the bait and instead goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth, noticing the yellow bottle in the sink. “Another migraine?” 

“Mild one,” Regina says from the bedroom, and from the way she hasn’t moved or tried to start a fight for the late hour, Emma knows she’s lying.

“Want me to bring you some ice?” she asks, brushing her teeth. When she gets no answer, she cleans her mouth with some water, spits it, and goes back to the bed. “Regina?”

“I’m not mad at you.”

Emma sits carefully beside Regina, making sure that her weight will not cause discomfort to the other woman. Her hand searches to find Regina’s body, and once she does, she slips inside the covers, her body as far away from the brunette’s as she can manage. Emma suffers from migraines too. After all, magic comes with a price and having magic in this world, using it or not, is taking a toll on their bodies. 

“You want me to sleep to the other room?” Emma asks and from the way Regina sighs she can tell that in her attempt to be a caring and loving girlfriend, she pissed off the Queen.

“I’m not mad at you,” Regina says again, and that’s the second lie for the night because Emma can actually hear the lie behind the words.

“I think you are,” she starts to say when the other woman interrupts her.

“I’m mad at myself.”

And Emma stops because lies, she can handle lies, but the truth? She’s not Henry. The truth is something she doesn’t know how to handle, and right now, she doesn’t know how to handle the woman laying next to her either. It strikes her as weird since she spent the last three years of her life handling her.

She flicks the light on, instantly regretting it when she hears the groan of pain from Regina. But she needs to do something with her hands because she’s not ready to talk about that night. She thought she was, she was even mad with Regina for not sitting down to have the much needed talk, but now she understands that Regina was holding back for her.

And she’s still not damn ready.

“I’ll bring you some ice.”

 

When she wakes up the next morning, Regina is gone. Not only from their bed, but from the house as well and Henry is giving her the silent treatment.

“Okay, I messed up, sue me,” she says to him between bites of Cheerios she doesn’t particularly like, but Regina only made pancakes for Henry, so in a way, she’s given her the silent treatment as well, she’s just not present. But the message is loud and clear. “Do you know where your mother went?”

She had already made a list with the places Regina wouldn’t go: at Granny’s since her parents are probably there for breakfast, and after a migraine, Regina’s tolerance to Snow is low, so Granny’s out and so is her office. It’s far too early for her appointment with Archie, but Emma will not cross that from her list just yet. 

“Her crypt?” she asks with hope, and when Henry doesn’t even shrug his shoulders to help her, she yells at him. “Henry please!”

He looks at her for a moment with eyes that burn, so much like his mother, before his face softens and he’s more her son again and less Regina’s. 

“She went to the stables, mom,” and he gives her an apologetic smile because they both know that as much as Regina loves riding, the stables is where she lost Daniel both times and nothing good ever happens after a visit there. 

She pushes her bowl away, still hungry but it seems like the right thing to do in front of him. Show him that she’s upset. She’ll eat something on her way to the stables. 

“What did you do?” Henry asks her with the kind of tone he uses only with Regina, not so much these days though. Emma discovers that she doesn’t like it when he’s all nosy and judgmental. She wonders how Regina stands it and makes a note to talk to him about it later. 

Right now, she has to find Regina so she murmurs a, “It’s what I didn’t do,” not expecting Henry to understand before telling him to get ready because she’s going to drop him to her parents. A decision he doesn’t like much. 

“What’s the point of having all of my things here when I spend most of my days there, anyway?” 

But he’s ready in minutes and actually has to wait for her to put her clothes and boots on.

 

“Regina is a complicated woman.”

Archie states the obvious, looking at her with concern. Emma opens her mouth to say that Regina would never do something to hurt her, not now, when she realizes that Archie’s concern is about Regina, not her.

“She told you,” she says, feeling stupid the very next second, because of course Regina told him; he’s the person she talks to about everything every day.

“She might have mentioned it.”

“Archie,” Emma tries to keep her voice calm and smiles softly when she does. “What else has she told you?”

He shakes his head. “I can’t tell you that.”

“We’re talking about Regina, Archie.” She gets up from the couch, Pongo doesn’t move from his spot and it drives her crazy because the stupid dog can’t keep his paws away from Regina. But her? He lets her pat him a few times on the head before going back to chewing a plastic bone. “She’s not exactly an open book.”

“And that’s exactly why I can’t help you, Emma.” He gives her an apologetic smile, the second in under an hour and the day is still young. 

“No, it’s okay. I understand, there’s nothing you can do, it’s the law.”

He nods and stares at her in an almost comical way, and if she didn’t want to go find Regina and fix things between them, she would even find it cute.

“What?”

“Well,” he grins and it’s such a un-Archie thing to do that Emma is not so sure if she wants him to finish his sentence. “I can’t talk about what Regina told me, but you can--“

She waves and shakes her head, her whole body in motion, and she’s pretty sure that she looks like a character of those anime shows Henry likes to watch with her. “Absolutely not!”

“It will help you,” Archie tries again. 

No, she’s not one for sessions that leaves you exhausted and barely able to function; she has seen what those sessions do to Regina, and truly? She’s not strong enough to face her demons yet and she has a lot of them. Maybe her wounds don’t go as deep as the Queen’s, or maybe they go deeper. Guess she’ll never know.

“I’m sorry, Archie. I can’t.”

He smiles again with the same reassuring smile. Emma understands why people here listen to him, ginger hair and all. “If you ever want to talk, my office is always open for you.”

“Can I…” She looks down, not sure how to say the next words, but she needs to know. “Is it normal? What she…what Regina wants. I need to know that. I-I need to know at least that.” And she laughs not because she feels happy, far from it, but because it’s finally out of her chest.

Archie points at the couch and she’s sitting again, running a hand through her hair; she’s already exhausted and she has done nothing at all. 

“I try not to see things as normal or not. After all, I was a cricket and that was normal for me, but not for you.”

Emma can’t help but smile because Archie does have a point.

“There are common behaviors and not so common ones,” he continues. “It would be wrong to label Regina’s…need as not normal just because it’s not something I come across a lot or because I don’t understand it.”

“It’s not that I don’t understand her. Trust me, I understand just fine. Not that I want to, no,” Emma makes a grimace. “I just thought that with me it would be different, you know?”

“Are you afraid that, somehow, you are not enough?”

“Yes! I mean, no. What I mean,” she sighs and looks at Pongo happily chewing his toy bone, suddenly wishing to be a dog, chewing toys all day, having bad breath, and not a single care in the world. “Shouldn’t I be enough?”

“Emma, I assure you, that’s not the problem, you are not the problem.”

“I’m not?” she asks, her voice small, not feeling so secure.

“Regina has been in some situations in her life she couldn’t cope with.” Archie stops and Emma waits for him to continue, feeling like she’s sixteen again and in the principal’s office. He looks skeptical and Emma can practically see the battle inside his head, the need to protect his patient and the need to help his friend. Finally he says, “This is her way of coping and has nothing to do with you.”

Emma leaves his office with more questions than answers.

 

By the time she arrives at the stables, the sky is a dark color and she can see the first drops of rain in the windshield of her car. She parks the car as close to the gates as she can and runs inside, heading straight to where she knows Regina will be with a heavy heart; she’s not ready to have this conversation, but it’s too late to back out now. 

Regina is grooming her horse, and even though Emma doesn’t make a sound approaching the other woman, she sees her tense, causing her horse to neigh nervously. Once the original shock is over, Regina continues combing the mane of the horse, ignoring Emma completely. Emma feels slightly out of place as she rarely goes to the stables. She’s a city child, after all.

“I’m sorry,” Emma says because sometimes sorry is not the hardest word, but the most earnest. She waits. And waits. And she’s not exactly sure how, but it seems that even the horse is ignoring her. “Regina, I’m sorry.”

“I heard you the first time just fine, dear.”

Emma bites her lip and says nothing for a while. “You’re not being fair.” Which, of course, is not the right thing to say to the brunette.

“I’m not fair?” Regina stops and for a moment Emma thinks that she will throw the brush at her. “Life is not fair, Emma. If it were fair, I wouldn’t be here.”

The with you it’s implied, not that Emma has a problem reading behind the lines, but she also knows that Regina’s words aim to hurt. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have Henry.” She calls out the other woman’s bullshit and is happy to see that her words hurt as well.

Regina is fast to recover. “If that were true, I would have Daniel and Henry, and maybe a little Elizabeth for Henry to play with.”

Emma frowns. “Elizabeth?”

“Daniel’s mother.”

Okay, that hurts. Not the fact that Regina is still in love with her dead fiancé, because as Emma knows, you can’t really forget your first love. And as Emma also knows, Regina never had the chance to see her first love lose some of its appeal like hers with Neal did. Sometimes, when Emma watches Neal with Henry, she thinks of all the crazy things they did when they were together with a smile, and even if her mind wonders what if, her heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore.

Not the way her heart does when Regina is talking about the kids that she might had with a man that’s been dead for almost four decades now. No, her heart doesn’t just skip a beat, it stops beating for a few moments and when it finally starts again, Emma is sure that it will pop out of her chest.

“I can’t compete with that,” she shakes her head, trying very hard not to run back to her car and out of Regina’s life. “I can’t, I’m sorry. I can’t.”

“Can’t compete with what, Emma?” Regina’s voice is barely a whisper, as if she doesn’t understand and probably she doesn’t.

“I can’t compete with a dead fiancé and perfect kids with perfect names and smiles that exist in your mind. I can’t. I don’t know how.”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Is that why you told me?” Emma’s eyes widening in horror. “I…is it? D-did, what, I don’t fit in your perfect little family anymore and you want me out?” 

The horse moves nervously in the small space. For a moment Emma is afraid that it will hurt Regina, but the other woman is standing next to it, looking more confused than ever before. 

“You have Henry back, you run this town again, not official but no one is stupid enough to believe that Doc is making the calls, people don’t want to kill you anymore, your life is back to normal, and I’m the odd-ouch!”

The brush hits her in the face, but Emma doesn’t have time to recover from the hit; she feels the wind change, she’s getting better at tracing the magic in the air, but the next second she’s flying up in the air and into the booth behind her and she can’t move no matter how hard she tries; product of True Love she might be, but her magic is still young and weak.

“You don’t have a single cell of Snow in your body, do you?” Regina walks predatory towards her, eyes dark, voice dangerous low and Emma is more angry than scared. “Do you honesty think, Miss Swan, that I would go in all that trouble just to throw you out of my bed? That I would lay awake next to you while you were snoring and drooling in my ear for weeks waiting for you to say something because I’m tired of you? Do you really think that I would wake every day for the last month, hoping that this would be the day you’ll finally come and talk to me instead of your mother or Ruby or everyone else on this town, but me, because I’m afraid to break up with you? Do you?”

Regina is inches away from her, somehow feeling much taller to Emma than she really is, horse forgotten, her promise to Henry also forgotten and Emma can’t help but think that Regina does have a point. 

“No,” she swallows hard and then with more force, “no.”

She doesn’t let her free just yet. She tilts her head to the right, staring at Emma with brown eyes that are almost black with a-million-and-then-some emotions before fingers stroke down her sore cheek, a bruise already forming. She’ll have to put some ice on it if she doesn’t want people to think that she had a round with Tyson, when a soft sob escapes Regina’s lips.

“I always hurt the people I love.”

And, Jesus, Emma thought she had issues, but Regina has the trade paperback, deluxe edition.

Wait, what?

“What?” she asks because she’s not sure, but did Regina just tell her that she loves her?

The brunette just nods, and if Emma can’t move it’s not because Regina is holding her with magic anymore, but because she’s too thunderstruck to move. “Do you mean it? Regina. Do you mean it?”

“They are right you know,” Regina says, eyes glossy with tears; sometimes it scares Emma how fast the Queen goes from one emotion to another, as if she has no filter at all, and perhaps she doesn’t. “Your parents, the town. I’m not good for you. I’m the Evil Queen-“

“Was.” Emma corrects.

“I’m the woman that cursed a kingdom, tried to kill you a few times, almost killed Henry.” Her voice faints with that. Emma stays rooted in her spot, not willing to move as she wants to know where this confession is going. “But I’m also Henry’s mom and your lover, and I’m tired, Emma. I’m tired of everyone seeing only parts of me; I’m tired of waiting for someone to see me, the whole me, Regina, not just the Evil Queen or just your lover, but me, and I thought that if I told you my deepest secret you would, and maybe, you wouldn’t run.”

It’s the most anti-climatic confession Emma ever witnessed; there is no final battle, no one is admitting feelings while dying, yet each word feels as if it’s the last one.

“I’m tired of being parts, Emma. I want to be whole again.”


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma wanted to hate Regina for everything and for a brief period she did. It wasn’t hard to hate someone that had done as much as Regina, but it was hard to get to know that someone and if it wasn’t for her son, Emma wouldn’t have given Regina the chance. But the boy loves his mother even when he’s acting like a spoiled little brat and Emma can’t think of her life without the other woman now.

After the stables everything changes.

David is the first to see the bruise on her cheek and Emma swears that Regina didn’t want to hit her. Not that David buys it, he leaves without much of an argument, but later Snow pays another visit to the mansion. Emma is glad that Henry went with his mom to the shops (Wednesday, comics’ day) because she finds it easier to talk to her mother about Regina.

After all, Snow is the only one of them that knew Regina before she became the Evil Queen.

“Wait,” Snow holds a hand up, looking at her with an expression Emma finds hard to read. “Regina told you what?”

Emma sighs with relief. For a moment she was really scared that Snow would only focus on the bruise and dismiss everything else much like David did. It surprises Emma how willing Snow is to give Regina another (and another) chance despite dead parents and hundreds of tears and lies. So much in fact that she asks, “How…How was she? Before, I mean.”

“She smiled a lot,” Snow says, a small smile appearing in her lips but fades as fast as it came. “Not so much after she married my father.”

“She didn’t love him.”

Snow looks down; her cheek getting a red-ish shade like she’s been running against the wind and Emma realizes that her tone was harsher than necessary. 

“Mom, I didn’t-“

“No, you’re right. She didn’t love him and if I haven’t made the same mistake with you and Neal…”

Emma smiles at her because hugs still make her feel uncomfortable. “Everything’s fine now, isn’t it?” 

For a long time it wasn’t though. Emma wanted to hate Regina for everything and for a brief period she did. It wasn’t hard to hate someone that had done as much as Regina, but it was hard to get to know that someone and if it wasn’t for her son, Emma wouldn’t have given Regina the chance. But the boy loves his mother even when he’s acting like a spoiled little brat and Emma can’t think of her life without the other woman now.

She knows how painful living with someone you don’t love can be. After Cora, after Tamara and Owen, after keeping magic a secret and Storybrooke at peace, Emma gave Neal a chance as well. Because of Henry. Because of her parents. Because she thought that loving him again would be easy and it wasn’t. 

Six months.

She had lost six months of her life trying to be someone that she wasn’t; happy. Every day she would wake up thinking that there was something wrong with her and every night she would go to bed knowing that the problem was lying next to her. Neal, despite sending her to jail, was a good man and a good father, but he was just not it for her. Not anymore and no one seemed to realize that until Emma went crying to her parents.

David had tried to calm her down and make her rethink her decision to break up with Neal for good, but Snow stopped him, hugged her and told her to be happy. Emma could bet that falling in love with the Evil Queen wasn’t Snow’s ideal version of “happy” but Emma is really happy with Regina.

At least when Regina doesn’t ask Emma to…

“…no way,” Emma hears Henry’s voice, “Magneto couldn’t beat Iron Man. Iron Man has a carbon fiber suit!”

“It wouldn’t stop Magneto.”

“Why?” 

She sees her son first, she sees his smile and he’s wearing a red t-shirt with the X-Men logo and Wolverine, and she tilts her head to the side because she could swear that when they left Henry was wearing a flannel shirt. Regina smiles behind him, holding two paper bags full with groceries and Emma is suddenly hungry for some fried chicken and maybe mashed potatos. 

“Two words-or three, depends how you slice it: Anti-magnetism Safeguards,” Regina says and Henry stops everything and stares at her. “The 'extreme magnetic fields' Jarvis detects would fry the electronics in the suit as eddy currents, and other currents were induced in the magnetic field. 

I’m sorry, Henry, but I can’t see how Stark could enact 'anti-magnetism safeguards' that wouldn't let Magneto abuse the Meissner effect or something similar.”

Henry grins at her, clearly not understanding a single word, but happy that his mom is finally opening up and having fun with him while Emma thinks that wow, her girlfriend is a dork when she hears Snow’s voice. “Yeah, I believe you might be right.”

 

“There is a place.”

Regina is behind her desk, her full lips a thin line, a sign that means that she’s irritated with something or someone. Emma walks in, chin up, showing a confidence she doesn’t feel. She doesn’t wait for Regina to tell her to sit and from the way she lets her pen drop to the desk, Emma is this close to leaving.

But.

“In Boston. There is this place for people like you.”

If looks could kill people would find Emma’s body from the smell. “People like me?”

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it,” Emma responds. “Here,” she takes a card out of her front pocket and places it on the table in front of Regina. “Make a call. Don’t make a call. Either way, I’ll be here for you.”

She stands up and walks out of the room without waiting for an answer. She’s not sure if she could stand one now anyway.

 

While Regina was raised to be a Queen and Emma was raised to be the average foster child, it’s the brunette that has more restless nights. Emma has a theory (Regina neither confirms nor denies it) that Regina has an almost perfect memory because she never forgets anything- except for the times that it’s in her best interest to forget.

They even have a bet with Henry. He doesn’t believe that both his moms have a super power and God knows that Emma’s super power has let her down a lot of times in the past years, but Emma is certain that Regina doesn’t forget, especially her failures. Emma has wakened next to a tossing and turning brunette too many nights to not know better.

Or maybe she’s over thinking it.

But tonight she’s the one that’s tossing and turning, and hating how peaceful Regina sleeps next to her. If someone should be having doubts it should be Regina. But no, the Queen walked in the room, dropped a bomb and then went to sleep as if nothing had happen. 

“Are you sleeping?” She asks and waits, and usually Regina is a light sleeper, up in an instant to the briefest of sound, but tonight she’s out cold, leaving the sheriff to worry about their rendezvous two weeks from now in Boston.

Emma sighs heavily and when Regina turns her back on her, deep in sleep, she just knows that they’re going to be two long, two _very_ long weeks.

 

“Are you really going to Boston to try for a baby?”

Emma chokes on her coffee. “What? No! Who told you that? No, Ruby! No.”

“Henry.” Ruby starts to clean the table, giving Emma the “look”. The look that says ‘do not lie to me’. “He said that you’re going to Boston for a “special” reason.” She even makes bunny ears and Emma rolls her eyes.

“And special means baby?”

“Or hot, steamy, lesbian sex.”

“Okaay,” Emma drains the rest of her coffee. “I’m leaving now.”

On her way to the station she prays Regina didn’t hear the rumors.

She’s going to call her for damage control.

And then she’s going to kill the kid.

 

The weeks pass faster than she expected and when Regina calls her one day to inform her that she booked them a room in a hotel that Emma would have needed to sell both her kidneys to get inside of, she groans.

_“You forgot.”_

“I did, yes.” She runs a hand through her hair and looks at her father. Even after all those years, David still thinks Regina as a threat. Maybe not priority number one, but she’s not on his good list either. 

_“I can cancel it.”_

“No. We are going. I’ll have to reschedule the shift, that’s all.”

_“Do that.”_

David still looks like he expects the Evil Queen to march into the station and take no prisoners. 

“Emma, you are not going to Boston for, uh…not that it’s wrong! It’s not. ” He actually blushes. Jesus, Charming is actually blushing and Emma is going to kill the kid for real this time.

“We’re not going to Boston to have a baby!”

“Good. Good. Okay. Yeah. Good.”

She stares at him until he murmurs something about something and leaves the station running.

 

Regina drives them the first half of the trip. Slow jazz music breaks the silence and Emma stares out of the window enjoying the landscape. Regina has her hands at 10 and 2 and doesn’t speed nor drive with unnecessary moves. She change lanes when a faster car comes from behind, doesn’t yell when a jerk cuts them off, respects every sign on the road and pretty much drives like an old lady.

“You are awfully quiet.”

Emma shrugs. “Yeah, well, it’s not every day that I’m going to, you know.”

Her tone is casual, but nothing in this situation is.

“You may relax then,” Regina takes her eyes from the road for exactly three seconds to look at the blonde. “You are not going to do it. You already tried and it ended badly if you remember.”

“I’m not?” She says with relief and then she frowns. “I don’t want to watch you with someone else. I’m not into this, okay? This switching partners or watching my girlfriend getting off with someone…It’s not, I’m not, not my style and…and, yeah. I don’t and I won’t! So, you know, yeah but no.” She stops because she’s starting to sound like a fourteen year old, Regina is going way over the speed limit and Emma could swear that it was sunny just a minute ago. “You are not using magic, are you?”

Regina doesn’t answer and they fall into an awkward silence after that.

 

 

The view is incredible from their room so much that Emma hugs Regina from behind and places a small, but wet, kiss on the brunette’s neck. Regina smacks her head softly, Emma grins because she knows that Regina and wet kisses don’t mix well together, and turns to look at her with such love in her eyes that all Emma wants to do is throw her on the bed, put up the “Do Not Disturb” sign and never leave the room until check out, but Regina suddenly remembers that she’s angry with the blonde and breaks the contact. 

“Help me to get ready,” she orders and Emma, because this is their first weekend away without the kid and she actually wants to have a good time – fetish club or not- waits for orders.

Regina opens the smaller of the two bags she took with her and takes out bottles of oils and creams, and that shampoo Emma likes so much before giving them to Emma to bring to the bathroom. 

Emma watches Regina with mixed feelings.

The brunette is getting ready for tonight, washing her hair and body with almost religious devotion. First she washes her hair with a shampoo that reminds Emma of summertime and it must be a new product because Regina prefers more earthy scents. Then she applies conditioner to the edge of her black hair and this scent Emma knows. Regina points to the foam bottle next to Emma and the blonde gives it to her like they’re an old couple, bored of each other only they aren’t and Emma has to think of Henry before she jumps into the shower and to hell with Regina’s plan.

“This is not for you. This is for me.” Regina says and Emma, with cheeks as red as Regina’s apples, nods. 

Tonight it’s for Regina, Emma knows that, she’s just…she’s not that sure she can do it though.

But, for Regina, she has to try.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took forever, but I finally realized what was wrong with this story. It was driving me crazy for months, but your support made me not to give up. So thank you all for your comments and PM and I hope I won't disappoint you.


	4. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You heard me, Regina. Bullshit. Fix it? You’re not a car to be fixed. You can’t erase your feelings or pretend they are not there.” Emma leans closer to the table. “You want to know why I turned my head away? When you told me what you needed my first thought was that a little roleplay in bed never hurt anyone, you know? But you were so serious about it and, obviously, it’s not something that gets you off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After thirteen months the final chapter of The Need is here. When I started writing this little story I never thought it would take me thirteen months to write four chapters, but it did and I'm grateful for all of you who stuck till the end. Thank you all for your reviews and PMs, asking me if I'm ever going to finish this story; it was the boost I needed. 
> 
> Small suggestion; because of the long distance between updates, it would be better to read the whole story again.

The ride back to the hotel is quiet.

A driver and a limo, both provided by the club, is taking them back to their hotel and Emma is glad she doesn’t have to drive because honestly? She’s not sure she can. Her hands are shaking and her heart is beating fast in her chest, her lips are dry and no matter how many times she licks them they remain dry and her throat sore.

But at least Regina is quiet now, her head resting heavily on Emma’s shoulder, but she’s finally calm. She might be sleeping, Emma doesn’t know and is still too afraid to look because if she looks and Regina is not sleeping, then they’ll have to talk and she’s not ready to talk. Not yet. Not before a drink or two.

Emma has faced dragons and heartless sorcerers, a trip to a land she never wants to visit again; she faced all that barely blinking an eye, but she’s starting to think that tonight was too much for her. It’s one thing to fight a dragon and another to watch someone you love getting hurt in front of your eyes.

That’s not quite true either; after all she watched Henry eat that turnover and collapse. Her dad got hurt, her mother, she watched Neal get shot, but they didn’t ask to be hurt. In fact, people did everything they could to not get hurt, unlike Regina. Emma is not a fool; she has years in the system and has seen things. Hell, if it wasn’t for Neal she might be one more statistic. 

But if getting pregnant at seventeen taught her anything, it is that no one will help you if you don’t help yourself. Sure, she didn’t go to a fancy college and took whatever job she could find to pay the rent, but not once did she feel like punishing herself for her failures. If anything, she tried to learn from them, move on and try not to make the same mistake twice, and for a long time it worked fine.

Until the day Henry appeared in her doorway.

It’s not as if she doesn’t understand Regina, she does, as much as she can, but is that enough? What if Regina needs someone who can understand her 100%? Emma can’t pretend she can do that. Not when she has so many questions and not when she’s too afraid of the answers.

“First time in Boston?” The driver asks, bringing her back from whatever dark corner of her mind she was.

“No, I, uh, I lived here for a few years.”

“The missus too?”

It’s the way he says it that makes Emma’s chest overflow with feelings and she shakes her head, finding his eyes in the rearview mirror because she doesn’t trust her voice now. He offers her a smile and his eyes are soft despite working in a private fetish club. Emma smiles back before finally turning her attention to the woman next to her.

“Hey,” she says softly and instantly feels her stomach twist when she sees the tear tracks on Regina’s cheeks. “How about the best pulled pork sandwich you ever tasted?”

 

“So?” Emma asks before taking a big bite from her sandwich. God, she has missed this place!

The décor is exactly as she remembers it; dim lighting, big comfortable booths you can hide in if someone is searching for you, Sox posters on the wall and photographs of famous players going all the way back to the 60s. The air smells of spices, pork, fried chicken and beer.

“So what?” 

“Is this the best pulled pork you’ve ever tasted or what?”

Emma doesn’t need to ask. Regina is almost done with her sandwich, eating it like a starved woman. Her mood is much better than before and she even ordered a beer to go with her pork. Some expensive imported monastery stout that’s served in a tulips glass, but the important thing is that she ordered that beer herself and Emma is impressed. 

“It’s okay.”

“Okay? Okay? Regina, the pork oozes perfection and every bite is like a little taste of heaven.” 

Regina smiles, the first real smile in hours and for a moment Emma forgets why they are eating pork this late at night. Then Regina flinches and the magic is gone.

“How’s your back?”

“Sore.”

Emma nods, her appetite suddenly gone. “Sore.”

“Yes, sore.”

Now Emma is playing with her meat while Regina finishes hers silently. 

“You didn’t have to do it and I shouldn’t ask you.”

“No, hey,” Emma looks around, but there are only two other booths occupied; one two booths away from them and the other at the far end of the diner. “You surprised me, that’s all.”

“Not a happy surprise,” Regina reaches for her glass, then changes her mind. She starts to say something, but stops and looks away. 

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.” 

“No, I think I do.”

“Regina,” Emma tries to protest, but the Queen has made up her mind, she can see as much.

“It’s not as if I want to feel this way,” Regina murmurs under her breath. “I don’t want to feel this way.”

Emma says nothing. She knows Regina by now and she knows that the Queen has walls as thick and high as hers. But while she has learned to lower those walls with people she loves, Regina still has a hard time letting others in. 

They are not so different after all, Regina and her. Both were searching for love, both were dreaming of a family and even though Emma didn’t dive into the darkness of her youth - she has seen so many kids lose themselves in the system - she knows how easy it is to let go, to stop trying and just give in if it means that the pain will go away for awhile. 

She might not be able to justify all of Regina’s actions, but she understands how it feels to find yourself in a corner with no help and no way out.

“We tried, Dr. Hopper and I, in our sessions together. We found the root of the problem-“

“Your mother,” Emma states dryly and Regina doesn’t deny it.

“She played her part, yes.”

“You know, sometimes I’m wondering what’s worse; growing up with different parents or growing up with parents who don’t love you.”

“My father loved me.”

Emma, despite herself, laughs at that. “All right.”

“My father loved me,” Regina repeats and it’s pretty clear from her tone that this subject hurts her more than she’s willing to admit. “Just not the way I wanted him to love me.”

They are moving into dangerous territory and Emma realizes that perhaps this is not the place to have that conversation.

“I think, in my desperation not to be like my father I became too much like my mother.”

“Stop it, okay? Henry loves you and you know that.”

“And still I hurt him. With both words and actions. I hurt you.”

“But you didn’t,” Emma says weakly. Regina didn’t succeed in killing her, but there’s no denying that she tried her best. 

“That is just an excuse and it means nothing.”

“You are right, so?” Emma challenges; she doesn’t like it when Regina gives in to self-pity. It’s something the Queen rarely does, but, as with her whole life, she pushes limits until they either break or they break her. 

“So?” Regina asks, confused.

“Do you have a point? Either make it or let me enjoy my sandwich.”

Before sleeping with Regina, before spending time with the other woman, Emma would have missed the signs that tell her about the battle that’s happening inside the brunette’s head. To everyone else, Regina appears calm and elegant as ever, but Emma knows better and she also knows that she might not have this chance again.

“Hey,” Emma’s voice softens. “Talk to me.”

“Hardly the place to have this conversation, don’t you agree?”

“I don’t think we’ll ever find the perfect place to have this conversation. Or the perfect time, so why not here, right now? We have good food, beer, what else do you need?”

“Some privacy would be nice.”

There’s a soft smile on Regina’s lips and Emma relaxes. Regina has wanted to have this talk for weeks and Emma was the one scared out of her mind. Now, finally, she’s ready. And she’s not scared anymore. She’s not scared of what Regina needs. She doesn’t understand it, but it doesn’t scare her anymore.

“I thought it was me.” She admits with a grimace. “I thought the reason was me.”

“You?” Regina sounds so puzzled by that and Emma nods, because what else could she think? She changed foster families so many times because it was her, it always was her.

“In case you don’t know, my longest relationship was with Neal and it didn’t end up nice. And you are-” she licks her lips; this one is going to hurt. “You have these walls, Regina, and sometimes you make it so hard for me to get past them I don’t know if you even want me to try.”

“Emma-“

“Or why I’m even bothering. And then you do something nice and you leave me confused once again. Little things, like buying my favorite chips or recording my favorite show and watching it with me when I’m off duty. And I think, yeah, this is nice. This is what families do, you know?”

“But you always wait for the other shoe to drop, don’t you?”

“Can you blame me?”

“No.” Regina lifts her glass, stares at the dark, creamy foam before taking a sip. “What do we know about being happy anyway?”

“But we are happy, aren’t we? Maybe we are over thinking everything and we don’t trust ourselves much, but we are happy. Henry’s happy. I’m happy and I know you are happy.”

“I am happy.”

“And this need you have-“

“Nothing to do with you or Henry,” Regina answers quickly. “It’s something I’m trying to fix. It won’t happen again.”

Emma frowns and looks at Regina, trying to figure out what exactly happened on the ride here because Regina had been waiting for weeks this day, but she doesn’t have the chance to ask.

“I saw you. In the room, back at the club. I saw you turn your head away. And I-, I have a bad habit of sabotaging my happiness, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to run scared so…I’m going to fix it. It’s not something you should worry about.”

Silence.

And then.

“Bullshit.” 

“What?”

“You heard me, Regina. Bullshit. Fix it? You’re not a car to be fixed. You can’t erase your feelings or pretend they are not there.” Emma leans closer to the table. “You want to know why I turned my head away? When you told me what you needed my first thought was that a little roleplay in bed never hurt anyone, you know? But you were so serious about it and, obviously, it’s not something that gets you off.”

“Emma.” Regina doesn’t sound scandalized, but disappointed with Emma’s crass ways.

“Well, you didn’t come. And if you did, fine by me, you know? But Regina, what you feel is not going to go away just because you wish it.”

“I can try.”

“Haven’t you spent enough years with lies?”

“What do you want me to do, Emma?” Regina snaps, loud enough to make a few heads turn their way. 

“Enough running. For both of us! Yes, I turned my head away when that woman was whipping you, but not because what you might think. I turned my head because I couldn’t see the woman I love on her knees, begging and crying.”

“Enough!”

Emma watches as Regina gets up from the booth, spilling both of their glasses on the table, beer running everywhere, and this time everyone’s looking at them. Without missing a beat, Emma finds her wallet and leaves enough money behind to cover for the Queen’s anger before running behind her, one thought on her mind.

So much for stopping running away from our problems.

 

 

“Regina, wait!” Emma yells and storms out of the diner like a madwoman only to find Regina waiting for her outside. “Oh!”

“You are right.”

Emma nods, confused, but feeling more at ease now that she won’t have to search the whole city for the Queen. 

“I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to have these walls, but I don’t know how to be the woman I want to be. I’m not that woman, I’m not just the Evil Queen and I’m not just the Mayor, but I’m not the woman I want to be. And you,” she points at the blonde, staring at her as if it’s the first time she saw her. “You saw me at my worst and you saw me at my lowest yet here you are, buying me dinner.”

“Because I love you.”

“Because you love me.”

“Yeah.” Emma takes a step closer, but remembering how sore Regina’s back is, she makes no move to hug the other woman no matter how much she wants it right now; one hug to make sure that everything’s all right between them. “And someone once told me that love is the most powerful magic of all.”

“Your mother, I’m sure.”

Emma smiles and takes Regina’s hand in hers. “Listen, I’m not going to pretend that I know how you feel. I might have a small idea, but that doesn’t make me an expert. And there is a chance that I will never understand you, Regina. But I love you and you love me.”

“I do. I do love you.”

“And I’m happy, and Henry is happy, and you are happy.”

“You are awfully right this evening, Sheriff.”

“And, you know, it’s not something I need to understand. It’s something that you need to understand, for yourself first and then for me and Henry. Listen, what I’m trying to say is you won’t have to do it alone. I’m here for you.”

And maybe that’s what they both need, someone not to understand them, but to accept them for who they are.

The End.


End file.
